I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
