I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
