She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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