I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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