the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
