I wanna bring you to show and tell
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
