then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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