I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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