My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
