i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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