dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
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