I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
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