I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
