96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
