I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Randomize
