I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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