last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
