we have officially lost it.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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