dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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