i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Less talking, more tequila
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
