none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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