I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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