You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
