Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
