a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
