half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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