matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I am puke
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
