so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
