I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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