Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
