I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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