Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
