I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
