So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
We are two peas in an std pod
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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