Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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