your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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