I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
