So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Randomize
