My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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