I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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