How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
