Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
