remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
