i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Randomize
