I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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