i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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