dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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