Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I think my moral compass just broke
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