I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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