when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Randomize
